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Marriage: It’s not about you
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Last Sunday our pastor referred to a book’s title to make a larger point about Christianity. The book is by Gary Thomas, titled: Sacred Marriage. It’s the subtitle that grabs you, however: What if God Designed Marriage to Make Us Holy More Than to Make Us Happy?
That subtitle flies in the face of what the world teaches about love and marriage, which is that it is a matter of finding that special someone who was fashioned by non-judgmental cherubs to be your lifelong friend, supporter, and satisfying lover, all without requiring you to change anything about the wonder that is You. This is what prompts single people in their forties to announce at cocktail parties that they just haven’t found the right person, and which requires the rest of us to refrain from laughing out loud.
The truth is, of course, that so long as your own happiness is paramount, and so long as you remain in the temple of the Self, there will never be anyone who qualifies to be your soulmate but, well, you. And so we see the spectacle of aging adults who have gone through a string of relationships with partners who didn’t abuse or betray them, but who in the end “just weren’t a good fit.” This is frequently code, in my experience, for: “the neuro-chemicals began to fade, he/she stopped putting me on a pedestal, and I began to wonder if my fairy tale prince/princess wasn’t just around the next corner.”
The reality is that there is no prince or princess for any of us, because no royalty in his right mind would have anything to do with us. This prince/princess fantasy, in other words, is predicated on the assumption that we ourselves are princes and princesses. None of us are, we aren’t even close, which is one reason the Gospels ought to make us weep and laugh all at once, at the mercy and outrageousness of Christ.
And as far as marriage is concerned, Rick Warren’s admonition probably ought to be the first words uttered at every wedding ceremony — and marriage counseling session — in America. It’s not about you. It really isn’t, you know.
Which brings me back to the interesting angle my pastor was working, about how Thomas’s subtitle has something to say about Christianity in general. But I’ll leave that for next time.
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Don’t blame racism
Thanks Tony, this is excellent food for thought for today.
This made me think, I am proud of the fact that when I first got married I decided I would not throw my dirty clothes on the floor but instead would put them in the dirty clothes basket and I have.
But what have I done to change or make myself more likable and more easy going in the last 35 years since we got married? How have I given in to do what she wants instead of what I want? How have I I given in to her?
Ouch!!
Thank you Tony. We recently had a class on this book at my church. I really thought Thomas hit the nail on the head.
Bob,
Even more to the point, have we encouraged our spouses in their spiritual lives? Have we helped them to grow?
Great post as usual Tony. As a pastor doing pre-marital counseling I always taught that we didn’t find the perfect partner, we became the perfect partner. And a desire and pursuit of holiness is what can change us to be that great mate.
After 34 years I can say that my spouse has grown more spiritually than I would have ever conceived possible. She has been a challenge to me as she has modeled Christ so elegantly, consistently and at times what seems to be effortlessly. As her passion for Christ has grown, my love for her has tried to keep pace.
Oh that I could claim the same kind of intimacy with God that she has! Then and only then would I feel like I’ve made any progress in being the man of God that she thought she married.
Humbling indeed.
Imagine, learning to work with our spouses can help us to become more like Him even more than us trying to fix our spouses will make them like Him.
I don’t get the necessary tension that comes with this discussion and this title.
happy vs. holy?
Why the tension with two biblical terms?
what definition of happiness are we working with here?
One that appeals to the flesh or the spirit?
True holiness does not negate godly happiness. “For better or for worse” does not mean that if your spouse lives in unfaithfulness, you must stay in the marriage to become holy. So in a “healthy” relationship this kind of growth can occur.
I never wanted a prince; I wanted someone who was faithful.
Fine post, Tony.
On behalf of single people, it is important not to laugh at or trivialize the various reasons they may give for not being married (and I know that Tony’s comment was NOT meant to imply that we ever should actually laugh). Many (but not all) are hiding deep levels of pain when they say something like “they just haven’t found the right person.”
The reality is that they often have no idea why they have not found that right person yet or have been rejected successively, and even if they did know, the reasons would be as diverse as there are different people.
John the Baptist said something that I think often applies here: “A man can receive only what is given him from heaven.” (John 3:27). He was explaining why Jesus was the bridegroom and he was just the best man. Sometimes, that is the only good reason a single Christian can give to explain to friends and family why they are not yet married without getting their answer dismissed or misunderstood. Actually, even that answer will not satisfy some well-intentioned people at cocktail parties.
The key is that John the Baptist was able to find complete joy in his secondary role.
REG - That chip on your shoulder must be quite a burden to carry around. Have you forgiven him?
I think that there actually is one kind of marriage that is as easily blissful as the culture expects. Everybody knows one or two people in their lives that are truly selfless, loyal and have great interpersonal skills. We love them because they are so rare and so much better to be around than us average broken schmucks. When two people like THAT find each other and marry, it’s a truly blissful (and rare) bond.
I believe according to Ephesians 5 that a man is supposed to put himself as a servant and love his wife the way Christ Loved the church. If the husband leads and loves his bride according the principals of God’s word, then he will find his life more fulfilling spiritually because he put her needs above his own.
I watched Fiddler on the Roof this past week, and maybe it’s so fresh in my mind from watching it, but this post made me think of the era of arranged marriages and the benefits thereof.
Now I know that arranged marriages would never fly in present day America, but there’s a lot to be said for people who are older and wiser, who have their children’s best interest at heart to choose a mate for their children.
Back in the day, it was a matter of do or die. Divorce was rarely a option. At least it was rarer that is is today. And young people learned how become a “we” out of 2 “me”s. Love didn’t enter into it. And it certainly wasn’t infatuation - that counterfeit that passes all too often for love these days.
One of the most tender scenes in the whole movie is when Tevye asks Golde, “Do you love me?” And it was a question that, it seems neither of them gave a lot of thought until Tevye posed it. But their love was demonstrated over the years. And they acknowledged that they did love each other.
And before anyone wants to jump all over me for having suggested that arranged marriages might not be a bad thing, (in the right circumstances), remember that we are not doing such a hot job of choosing for ourselves here in America.
As an engaged man looking forward with much anticipation to my impending wedding, I must say I agree with this.
The problem is that we’ve got our priorities screwed up. Instead of looking for that perfect person to be our princess or prince, we ought to look for that who loves God, lives well, and works hard (or whatever combination makes a person “right” enough) and turn them into our prince or princess.
God in His grace gives us great pleasure and profit from marriage, but that is to be a benefit, not the goal or purpose.
Thanks, Joel Mark, from a single person who hasn’t found the right person yet! (Not because I’ve got from one relationship to another in a nitpicky way, but because I haven’t had a godly man come courting.)
The other day I heard someone on the radio make a valid point, that he hadn’t known how selfish he was until he got married. It was a valid point, but I wondered how often it works the other way–that a person doesn’t know her own selfishness (or other sin) until she is widowed or otherwise single again? God is growing ALL of us, single and married, into greater closness to Him. The single person should have more freedom to minister, not more freedom to be selfish (though few of us singles would come close to measuring up to that full calling, as few married people measure up fully to their callings). But really, no single will stand before God someday and say, “I could have been holy if You had given me a mate.” All of us are given the same basic calling, just in different realms, with slightly different priorities.
Hheryl D wrote; “But really, no single will stand before God someday and say, ‘I could have been holy if You had given me a mate.’”
Cheryl, I very much admire your wisdom and honesty on this point. May God continue to guide you into His will, and maybe also to a godly man if that also is His will.
Klasko - There is a couple in our church, originally from India, who have an arranged marriage. They love each other very much & have a good marriage.
The wife said that she was raised to know that someday her parents would pick a good man for her to marry, & that she & her husband would grow to love each other. And that is what happened.
I totally agree with Tony’s post. Christians and non-Christians alike benefit immeasureably from seeing marriage this way.
More faith-community participation in marriages would be very helpful. It could greatly remediate “dating” pressures.
It is indeed about both putting the other person first. It is indeed a difficult to actually accomplish.
I have to admit to all of you that I have become more selfish since I got a divorce. When I was first divorced my focus was on finding someone else to share my life with because I was in that mode. Now the man I was dating that I broke up with(you all remember from January) has been calling and has taken me out to dinner or fixed me dinner and has been trying to draw me back in. Last night he knew I was without Chloe. He called me late yesterday afternoon and said that he was tired and wanted to go home and go to bed. Truly I think he had a date with someone else but I didn’t care. I stopped by a local store bought some already made appetizers came home put on my comfy clothes, crawled in my bed and watched what I wanted to watch on TV. I didn’t have to think about anyone elses dinner or watch what someone else wanted to watch on TV. My name is Kim and I am selfish.
Kim,
Welcome to the club we are all trying to get out of . . . though your eveing last night sounded nice;)
And where do you draw the line between doing for others and putting them first and co-dependency and selfishness. It would be interesting to hear a Christian view of the whole codenpendency issue. I have been told that because I grew up with an alcoholic mother I am codependent. And all that time I just thought I was being nice. Now the pendulum has swung and I am plain old selfish. The only thing I can say I was any good at in being married was that I got an agnostic to become a Christian and he is still involved in the church I took him to. Other than that I was a complete failure as a wife.
Kim,
I don’t think you are necessarily any more selfish than the rest of us. Being self-reliant when a guy is disappointing you is healthy. And that’s all you were doing.
22-Janie,
Thank you!
Kim, You had no obligation to the other guy so I don’t see that as being selfish that you were just as happy to be home alone and do what you felt like doing. Ditto to Janie’s comment.
Thank you all for the words of encouragement.
Tony,
This is a really thought-provoking article. Thanks.
I read the book a couple years ago. I read it every year. I give it as a gift at every wedding and to all my engaged and dating friends and friends with marital struggles. My wife gives “Created to be His Helpmeet”. Those books showed each of us what we want to be.
In regards to Reg at 6:
I think the tension comes from the focus and purpose. True holiness does not negate Godly happiness but does create an environment for it to exist. I don’t know exactly what you mean by Godly happiness but I doubt any definition of happiness can create an environment for holiness.
Therefore, if the purpose of marriage is happiness, whenever I am not, my marriage is a failure. If the purpose of marriage is holiness, I have a higher chance of success because I am promised holiness through the Spirit.
I would respectfully and delicately disagree that we are released from our vows if our spouse is unfaithful. While Jesus obviously taught that was a legal option I cannot find (and am open to being educated) any teaching that encourages it. I can find the exact opposite though through the OT in the history of Israel and obviously Hosea.
Divorce in that situation may be good but I don’t think it is God’s best. It hurts and is uspeakably embarassing and shameful, but not new and endured by Yahweh Himself. And when I read Matthew 19:6 I am reminded that I am a man.
Thanks to Joel Mark and Cheryl D. for expressing the single person’s side of things so well. God is calling every believer to holiness and uses different tools in different lives to accomplish that purpose. For some marriage is the tool, for others singleness or the mission field or illness or any number of other circumstances serve as life-changers in the quest for holiness.
Just a reminder also that for some singles, singleness is a painful, shameful thing. Being asked or teased constantly about why you are single is like salt in a wound for some. It’s like asking a barren woman who desperately wants kids why she’s not pregnant yet. I,personally, don’t struggle with this, but I know singles who do.
Panther,
While Sacred Marriage was an excellent book, I think Created to Be His Helpmeet can be a dangerous one. Debi Pearl says some good things in it, but when she advises women of abusive husbands to remain with their spouses there is a world of trouble. Especially when the notion is given that these women may bring it on themselves. That is exactly what an abusive husband will make his wife believe. When hubby is always right because “He’s the head” and the little lady is always wrong because “Eve was decieved first” there is just enought truth in that to decieve many.
29-
ALWAYS ÄSK, “HAS THIS PERSON LIVED WHAT THEY ARE COMMANDING OTHERS TO DO???
I have found that some live in the lap of luxury and have never been tested…people worship their image and follow their directions, but those on the pedastal are living in experiential ignorance
Staying with an abusive spouse is just plain dangerous. Divorce is not necessary if there is adequate pastoral care, but the couple needs to live separately until there is clear evidence that the abusive party (yes, sometimes it is the wife) has grown beyond the abuse. (Growth is important for the non-abusive partner, too.)
Living with unfaithfulness is torture, especially when the unfaithful spouse will not admit her/his behavior and sincerely repent. I celebrate the Lord’s goodness when one repents and the other forgives. And this is still very hard and painful. But in my experience, unless the unfaithful one repents, remaining together can be quite harmful. And then, there’s the danger of STD’s. Many serial adulterers are sex addicts.
31-
Thanks, Janie…it really lightens my load when Christians “get it”
31-
for the sake of the abused, I would like to know what adequate pastoral care is…I have never experienced such a thing while in an abusive situation, but felt that I could not act apart from what certain pastors thought. They are usually limited by at least experiential ignorance.
If you read Why Does He DO That? by Bancroft, you see the absolute importance for an abused woman ( that is the focus of the book) to have outside support. I would not limit this support to pastoral.
I left sunday school one time for the restroom, and ran into a woman who worked with abused women. We talked the rest of the hour away in the bathroom. She and her mother helped me file a needed restraining order. I can’t express how important of an experience that was for me to have and all that I learned through it. Yet, I can’t imagine any pastor that I have actually known who would have helped me accomplish that protection for myself, or even see the need for it.
Reg - My pastor would have. And I’m sure there are many others who would have, as well.
34-
Karen,
This is good news. It would be helpful for abused women to be able to tell the difference between helpful people (pastors or not) and those who are manipulated by the abuser and end up abusing the woman instead of helping her.
Reg it is also helpful if people realize that abuse comes in many forms. While my ex-husband never physically abused me, I left the marriage with little or no self confidence. The only reason I was able to leave is because I had finally gotten fighting mad. There was no reasoning with me. I felt abandoned by all that were around me. I felt abandoned by my church and I felt abandoned by my husband. He was never emotionally to physically unfaithful. He just wasn’t there.
While I would never begin to compare my situation with someone who has had to literally fight for their life to get out of a relationship, I still find that I fall prey to the charmer/abuser. I question my every thought and action and I have little or no self confidence. I don’t like where I am in life very much, but here I am. The only thing we can do is put one foot in front of the other and take the next step and the next. Good luck to you. I have found a great website but it encourages us not to share it with others so that we can maintain our total anonimnity. There is a woman on there who is an ordained minister she has been a comfort and a help to many of us in a completely non judgemental way. Look around maybe you can find something like it as well.
And for you other women out there and maybe even a man or two who reads this…I would like some advice. What should a woman do when she tells her “other half” I want/need you to do “this” and they completely act as though you are speaking a foreign language. For example, I told my husband I was feeling lonely and ignored and would he please give up one Saturday a month of golf and spend it with Chloe and me as a family. His response was that if I kept hounding him about golf he would take up hunting and fishing and I would never see him. His golf foursome depended on him to be there. The real kicker is that now that we are divorced he keeps Chloe on Saturdays for me to work and had given up playing on the Saturdays he had her before I took this job.
Kim,
that golf thing is part of his manipulation of you. I am going to email you.
Eharmony, by the way, handles the “must haves” and the “can’t stands” in the intro stages of getting acquantainted. This was a tremendous help to me in getting over my fears in creating a new relationship.
Panther,
I am sure glad that God’s words didn’t begin and end with Matthew 19 verse 6!
Read on, sir, and find verse 9 of Matthew 19: “And I say unto you, “Whosoever shall put away (stop living with her as a wife–but not legally free her through divorce) his wife, except for fornication (protection against STD’s here–if the person is a sex addict, etc., then just get out to protect your health), and shall marry another (because he is not legally divorced–so he cannot legally remarry)another, committeth adultery.
An huge problem in our religious circles today is that we don’t know the difference between divorce and putting away because our modern translations have hidden words.
38-
our modern translations have hidden the phrase putting away. These translations have replaced “putting away” with the word divorce and thereby have changed the meanings of many passages.
26 - Created to be His Helpmeet? The Perl’s are even crazier than I am.
40, 27-
I think you mean 27. How are the Pearls crazy?
Bianca,
OK, I read the reviews on Amazon; glad I never wasted my time there.
Reg-
Sorry for your hurt. I’m not sure I understand your point in 38. I agree that there is a difference between putting away and divorce and I understand that. But I also understand the passage to be addressed to what are supposed to be the ones who claimed love God the most and were the biggest screwups. So while they were using the putting away to excuse their behavior, Jesus was putting them further on the hook. Still doesn’t make it ok for a guy to do anything like what happened to you.
As for your comment at 29, I agree with you that she shouldn’t be counseling women to stay with their abuser but my understanding is that she also isn’t condemning women who choose to leave. But that is my wife’s opinion as I have not read it.
Adios-
You are right but not all guys are like that. But we should never read anything by ourselves, including Sacred Marriage.
Bianca-
I don’t know anything about you or how you are defining crazy but the book has meant a lot to my wife who was raised by an incredibly strong willed, brilliant, feminist who was an enemy of God well into my wife’s formative years.
But to all of you, I merely commented that that book showed my wife what she wanted to be. I did mispost and should have included “often” for my wife as she is less of a gift giver than I am but has read the book several times with several different ladies. She doesn’t read it with everyone because of responses like yours. Sorry to offend so completely.
Sacred Marriage is still a great book.
43-
I wonder if your wife, who benefited from Pearl’s writings, would now be willing to speak the radical language of the other side of worldly feminism?
Like a friend of mine responded to Callison’s Divorce: A Gift of God’s Love: “That does away with the role of suffering in the lives of women…”
think about it: the RIGHT of women to suffer!!
Reg - Are you saying one of those books mentions that women have a “right” to suffer? And would that mean that women have the right to endure suffering (presumably at the hands of their husbands) or that they have the right to acknowledge their suffering?
Even in a healthy marriage, there will be a degree of suffering. No one can hurt you more than the one with whom you are one flesh. To embrace, so to speak, that suffering, to let God teach us how to die to ourselves, & to learn & grow from this kind of suffering is part of God’s plan for fine-tuning & pruning us. (Mixed metaphors!)
And the husbands endure their own suffering, when they strive to love their wives as Christ loved the church, to put their wives’ needs ahead of their own, & become the servant-leader God calls them to be.
After sharing, via e-mail, some struggles in my own marriage (which is generally a very good one), my good friend/pastor’s wife (who also has a good marriage) wrote the following…
“I came to the conclusion a long time ago, that my wifing my husband is my service to the Lord. Oh, Karen, we never seem to get our cup full of what we desire. It seems like life shortchanges us on so many counts. So, you have to decide that this is your ministry to Christ - regardless of the loss you feel, Jesus is keeping record of your heart attitude toward your family.”
I can see how someone not knowing my friend could question her stating that “…we never seem to get our cup full of what we desire. It seems like life shortchanges us on so many counts”.
If you knew her, you’d know that she is not complaining or lacking faith or thinking we deserve better. She knows that we all have desires & yearnings which will not be met, particularly by the fallen humans in our lives.
But her advice & counsel has always been to trust completely in Christ, to let Him be our all in all. We especially need to remember this in the closest of our relationships, like our marriages.
Karen–
“Reg - Are you saying one of those books mentions that women have a “right” to suffer? And would that mean that women have the right to endure suffering (presumably at the hands of their husbands) or that they have the right to acknowledge their suffering?”
I have an acquaintance who reacted against the view taught in Callison’s Divorce: A Gift of God’s Love (according to the original language of the Bible, OT and NT) because she was standing up for the place of suffering in women’s lives. “Suffering” may occur in all relationships, but a relationship that is characterized by one partner being “put away” by the other partner, is NOT the kind of suffering that God requires of women!! In fact, the way of escape God designed for being put away is divorce. Don’t put away, just divorce.
Reg - I would think that God would much rather prefer that both parties seek to heal their marriage. I think you agree with this, don’t you?
but both parties don’t, God made a provision for that reality