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With a different father in mind
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Lately I’ve grown ashamed of how often I discipline my children out of anger, or annoyance, rather than a genuine desire to train them up. If three year-old Isaac’s repeated thumping of a table leg penetrates my consciousness at dinner, I’ll tell him to stop it out of irritation, not because I want him to have good table manners. If eight year-old Caleb tells me I said A and not B, I’ll glower and tell him not to correct me, as if it’s a principle I’m standing on, rather than my expansive pride. If six year-old Eli mumbles, I’ll snap at him to speak up, not because I am, in that moment, concerned with the development of his elocution, but because it’s consuming mental bandwidth to discern what he’s saying.
My disciplinary actions too often have me at the center — my wants, my ego, my sense of how things ought to be in my domain. I suspect we all fall prey to that impulse from time to time, or perhaps a lot of the time, or perhaps it’s mostly just me. But maybe I’m not the only one who tells himself some subconscious story about the righteous anger of God, to justify my own anger. Maybe other parents repeat to themselves how they’ve tried and tried, in order to justify their barks when the whippersnappers forget yet again to close the back door. Maybe too many of us we pretend that, because our children have become outwardly inured to our browbeating, that our glares and raised voices don’t wound them — worse, that it’s only our anger that gets through their thick little skulls.
So I’ve been practicing patience. Emphasis on “practicing.” When Isaac launches into one of his interminable monologues, right in the middle of a discussion between me and the wife, instead of shushing him, I’m trying get down to his level, put a hand on his small shoulder, and explain that mommy’s talking, and that the polite thing to do is wait his turn. I’m also trying to listen more, to really look him in the eye and stop whatever I’m doing and just listen, so he feels less inclined to interrupt just to be heard. I’m trying to patiently, lovingly guide my children, rather than gripe at them so much.
But there’s so much work to do, isn’t there? There’s bills and laundry and the daily grind of jobs, and meals to be made and dishes to be washed, lawns to mow, and — in our case — fallen trees to cut up and rooms to paint and essays and books to write. There’s much to be done, and it’s so much easier just to shush them or glare at them or talk over them to make my point and get my way.
Yet if you were to ask me what is the most important thing I have to do here on earth, I would say it’s training up my sons. So I’m going to start trying harder to act like it. I’m praying the Lord will have mercy — on me, on them — every time I fail.
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Don’t blame racism
You’ve identified the key element here. “My disciplinary actions too often have me at the center — my wants, my ego…”
I go for days … weeks thinking I have my wife and children’s best interests at heart, but then am occasionally awakened to the realization that I serve primarily myself.
I am surprised how long I can walk in this cloud before I catch a glimpse of the reality of my own selfishness.
Putting the interests of others first is hard work and therefore not always pleasant. But the fruits of those labors are sweet.
I’m feeling guilty about that very thing this morning. Last night after a long day which ended with his bedtime being an hour late my son wouldn’t lay down and go to sleep. Worse he kept clinging to me and wouldn’t let me go. I still had about an hour and half’s worth of things I had to do before I could even start to get myself ready for bed and I was an hour behind. I told him to let go or I would spank him. This didn’t work and I had to pry his arms away and I left the room angry. He can be very manipulative about bedtime sometimes. I later felt bad and went back in to talk to him but he was already asleep. I’m thinking something may have been bothering him and I should have laid down with him a little while. This morning he is still very clingy.
Oops. This is about fathers. Sorry. Well, mothers can be guilty of this too.
Tony, I highly recommend a book by Chuck Swindol. called You and your child. He covers just such an issue.
Kbells - If you haven’t already, you can ask him if something was bothering him, apologize if needed, & explain that you had lots to do & were tired. Next time this happens, I’m sure you will remember how you feel today, & you will try to handle it differently.
Little kids are wonderful but exhausting! Letting them know that Mommy is a real person, that she sometimes meeses up but says she’s sorry, is one of the lessons we need to teach.
Alas, our common struggle as parents. This column describes my daily battle with my 3 year old son so well. Thanks for your candor and the encouragement to put our father role above others!
I would just add one thing. Even more than pursuing greater patience or greater introspection and self analysis to root out our sinful tendencies… let’s emphasize first where our strength and inspiration and any standing we have as men comes from. Let’s “fix our eyes on Jesus Christ, the author and perfector of our faith…” the One we trust will be the author and perfector of our children as well! God bless!
Hebrews 1:20 tells us: “For the wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of God.”
Many years ago, our Pastor’s wife gave me that verse as I struggled NOT to discipline my son in anger and annoyance.
I can’t say that it cured me but it came to mind and helped diffuse an angry reaction many times.
God sees our hearts - he knows our intentions and is forgiving and gracious and amazingly so are our little ones.
It is not easier to “shush” them in the long run, since the way of the transgressor is hard-in the long run
Nice to see the husband on track
Hmmm… Obviously your motives are impeccable, but I also think that kids should learn that annoying behavior leads to people getting annoyed. And that’s not fun. They need to learn that not everybody in the world is going to tolerate them with superhuman patience.
Impatience and pride– my two crowning struggles! How awful it is to watch myself perpetuate these sins in the way that I treat my children and the way that they thus learn what a father is supposed to be like. Great article. Great reminder.