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On not sparing the rod
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The thing about handling story time at church is that you have to establish a credible threat of violence. Those five year-olds may not be able to tie their shoes, but they can spot a pacifist a mile out. Since we’re mostly not allowed to spank other people’s children any more — and often not even our own — you have to be a good bluffer to manage a roomful of unruly children.
Or you can just go ahead and do what my wife did the last time we had story time duty, and swat the behind of the first child to test you. I’ve heard it said that nothing gets the attention of adults like the sound of a pump-action shotgun being chambered. I don’t know if that’s true, but I am fairly certain that nothing gets the attention of a group of youngsters — many of whom are with you because their parents can’t make them behave in church, or anywhere else, for that matter — like the sound of a firm hand slapping a fanny. With two swats my wife adjusted one attitude quite nicely, and served notice to several other hellions that there was a whole pile more where that came from.
And suddenly, there was peace. The newly disciplined child, who doesn’t see much order elsewhere, became my wife’s shadow and new best friend. The usual slappers and toy-stealers decided to keep their hands to themselves. And the sweet children got to play without fear of thuggery. There was a new sheriff in town, and her name was Mrs. Woodlief.
I was, meanwhile, Barney Fife: big talker, comic relief, and generally harmless. But it didn’t matter, because we all knew who the quick draw in the room was.
Some people claim they can do without spanking, and seem to raise their single mild-mannered child fairly well with time-outs. Others beat their children at odd intervals, and call that spanking, and wonder why it doesn’t work. Many spank appropriately, and some have managed to get by with virtually no spankings, often because they were so consistent in the early years. Consistency and appropriateness seem to be key: when those elements are in place in whatever form of discipline a parent chooses, I’m struck by how much happier children are.
I had a guitar teacher many years ago, who was the mother of a toddler. She told me one day that she had been raised by strict parents, and that she wasn’t going to give her child a lot of rules and discipline. She wanted him to be a free spirit. I can only imagine how miserable that boy must have been, never certain of boundaries, and therefore never feeling safe, or certain that there is right and wrong. His mother at least had the consistency part right — she fashioned an artificial world for her child in which sin consistently was without consequences. I wonder how he is finding the real world these days.
It’s hard work, being consistent. I fail at it often enough, especially with four boys, each of whom has his own way of testing the edges. But we shouldn’t kid ourselves about who we’re really going easy on, when we choose to let a lie or disrespect or laziness slide. When we spoil our children in those ways (which is an apt way of phrasing the matter, when you think about it), we are choosing our immediate comfort over their long-term well-being. We are loving ourselves more than them.
And it shows. He who spares the rod, after all, hates his child. So I say, to parents of unruly children: love your children more often. Or bring them to story time, and we’ll love them for you.
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Don’t blame racism
MY husband coined a phrase. “Either you beat him now or his cell mate will do it later.”
When my children were five they had their own story times. They read books and encyclopedias all day long and the love of learning has been with them ever since. Crowd control was not part of the process until the more important priorities were established.
I was spanked as a child. For all practical purposes, I turned out OK. Granted, I was a pretty good kid overall, and my parents and I didn’t have much reason to spar.
It’s bothered me to see so many children and teenagers, though, (even people only a few years younger than myself) that have absolutely no respect, discipline, or fear of consequences. It’s like this nation is raising an entire generation of sociopaths who would curse you out just as easily as look at you.
Maybe it’s just the area and the people I’ve been exposed to, but a lot of America’s youth seem to have a serious attitude problem that’s just not going away.
I tutor an inner-city teenager in an inner-city library. One day I was having a discussion with a black gentleman who meets with a chess club there. With much embarrassment he told me that I had to understand that black folks routinely discipline their children with physical punishment far more than white folks do – it’s just their culture. Looking at the crime rate amongst the inner-city blacks in Baltimore, all I can say is, it sure isn’t working.
I am getting married soon and therefore seriously contemplating family, children, discipline, etc…
Both my future wife and I agree that consistency and justice are the most important things.
We have expressed promised to back each other up in our discipline of the children. The parent is right, and the next parent is to back them up if the child attempts to get a second (more favorable) opinion. Issues between the parents can be brought up later to that parent, but not in front of the children.
If amends is to be made, it will be made later together by the parents so as to enforce the fact that both the parents are on the same page regarding the child, even when in the wrong.
Mrs. Woodlief swatted somebody elses kids beside her own! What parallel universe do you live in?
Mommy,
That particular fact needs context. First, the typical black family is led by a single woman (mother or grandmother), which turns the data on its head. Second, “use of physical punishment” and “effective use of physical punishment” are two very different things.
I can’t say for sure whether black or white parents do more of the ineffective physical punishment–random, done in anger, a quick swat that doesn’t affect the child at all or a beating that is abuse rather than punishment–but my guess is that black family discipline is routinely ineffective. Well, that’s more than a “guess,” actually, but it isn’t a scientific study. But 17-year-old unmarried mothers aren’t likely to be good parents. And black mothers will admit (when they’re being vulnerable) that they tend to let their sons get away with a lot, because they expect them to die young and therefore want to baby them a bit while they have them. (Ineffective discipline is actually more likely to result in dead sons, because the undisciplined sons go on to live undisciplined lives, but that’s a different topic.)
Watch small children for an hour or so - do you still have any doubts about original sin?
Amen RRBAR
I teach preschool through middle school. You do not have to teach a child to be selfish or hit.
Or lie.
“Consistency and appropriateness seem to be key: when those elements are in place in whatever form of discipline a parent chooses, I’m struck by how much happier children are.”
That’s it right there.
My neighbors have two toddlers and they do the counting thing. “Brandine! I’m gonna count to three. Oooone…Twoooo…”. My wife and I laugh when we hear it. Counting? Our parents didn’t count! They didn’t even repeat themselves! If they told us something once, and we didn’t do it right then, we knew they were comein’ to get us, and it wern’t gonna be pretty….
John M, I thought you were going to say that your parents did count, but it was to count out the number of licks being administered to the backside!
“You do not have to teach a child to be selfish or hit.”
This has been my experience, too. And then there is a child every once in a while who has real guile. That’s really has to be watched!
If you count to three your kids will wait until three. . . . if you count to ten . . .
nice negative focus here; what is it accomplishing? About as much as Christians sitting in Sunday School focusing on their sins rather than on the life of faith to which
God saved us.
Yeah, counting is basically like saying “You can keep disobeying me until we reach this arbitrary number. Just keep hitting your brother”.
Reg,
If we don’t acknowledge our sin, how can we repent of it?
-> On topic, we’ve seen that with our friends’ children that consistency matters. My parents spanked consistently and fairly until I was old enough that taking away privileges worked better. They were consistent in that to the point that we wrote out my most common infractions and the consequences of them and posted them in the kitchen.
I’ve also wondered why some of the children I taught acted the way they did, and then I met their parents and understood.
how many people are repenting in Sunday School?
Reg,
If they’re speaking their sins aloud in Sunday school, I rather hope they’re repenting and not bragging. I’m in a church where people do confess sins, and it’s a holy thing.
I’ve met some very nice, normal seeming people with kids who were holy terrors. Of course this is in preschool. Some kids take longer to get the message.