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Morning everyone!
Today’s quote is from an author: “Women and cats will do as they please. Men and dogs had better get used to it.”
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Don’t blame racism
Don’t know who said it, but it sounds like more feminism…
Robert A. Heinlein. Science Fiction Author
Speaking of cats, we are considering getting my son a puppy for his fifth birthday. Any suggestions of a good breed for a kid’s pet. We have a big yard but the dog will probably spend evenings and nights inside. I’d prefer something that didn’t need a lot of grooming. Also my husband is away at night a lot so a good guard dog would be helpful. We like to hike and bike and enjoyed taking last dog with us. I like to think the dog is chase the snakes off ahead of us.
LOL
Speaking of cats, lets talk about dogs…
KBells: We have a Golden Retriever and I personally believe it’s the best kind of family dog. As far as grooming–well, you have to be committed or else those golden locks get tangled. And as a guard dog, we joke she’d be more likely to lick an intruder to death than attack. But she loves to hike and even go camping with us–and most importantly, she’s as gentle as a lamb with our baby.
Joe B.–You and Samuel sure are racking up the virtual coffees. Enjoy!
The best dog is a cat. IMHO.
I have a Golden Retreiver/German Shepherd mix. Sweet disposition, low grooming maintenance (just the occasional brushout)and fiercely protective. Her name is Sophie and she’s my avatar. It’s Her puppy picture - Now she weighs 95 lbs!
I have a question for the Pastors who post here (Victoria, you are not a Pastor).
What does honoring your parents look like when your parents are not honorable people? For example, we refrained from any negative comments about them when our children were growing up, however, now that they are adults they are observing and are upset by their grandparents’ behavior. Is it ok to acknowledge to them that your parents are pretty awful people?
Is not dishonoring them equivalent to honoring them? Is it enough to treat them civilly and respectfully or must we force ourselves to act in a loving manner when there really is no love there? I’m wrestling with this because Mother’s Day is coming up. This week my Mother did something especially hurtful and totally undeserved relating to my brother. He is not aware of it, however, wouldn’t be surprised because he has never felt like she loved him and always said I was more of an emotional mother to him than she was. At any rate, the thought of acknowledging her this Sunday turns my stomach. I am a Christian who wants to follow the commandment to honor my parents, so I’m wondering what my obligation this Sunday really is.
Mommy,
I am not a pastor either, but I’ve been around the Bible long enough to know Mother’s Day is not a commanded observance.
We have three cats. They require nothing but food and occasional attention. We have six children. They require everything. I enjoy having cats. They fulfill my desire of something soft and fuzzy without too much care required.
We have a very handsome Dobie/Sharpai mix. He is a great runner, good guard dog, gentle with the kids and the best part is he has an incredibly short coat. No piles of fur to clean up every other day.
But, as with all dogs, the right training gets you what you want (except with the fur thing).
Labrador Retrievers have the same sweet disposition and soft mouths as Golden Retrievers, with short coats and color options. Ours was wonderfully gentle around visiting toddlers, even though she had come to us as a puppy when the youngest in our house was four or five. They’ve got a big-dog bark, which provides some insurance against intruders.
Caveats: hip displasia, which I’m sure I’m misspelling, is an issue with many purebreds, although Labs aren’t the only breed with this problem; and while Labs have a deserved reputation for kid-friendliness, every dog needs to be well trained.
Keebler, personally I’m a cat person. They smell better, they groom themselves, they eat less and they are much less emotionally manipulative. But my son doesn’t get along with them as much as he does with dogs. For some reason cats don’t seem to like people who run at them screaming “kitty cat” at the top of their lungs.
Mommy, I am not a pastor either, but I identify with you and have long struggled with the question. I’ve prayed about this for many years. My sister also has said I nurtured her more than my mother did. It is a sad thing to feel motherless, when your mother is still alive. The bond is not easily broken, but can be quite painful. Only God really knows your heartache. May He bring you comfort and wisdom.
Adios, I didn’t mean to shut down conversation by addressing only Pastors and I do appreciate civil feedback. I realize it isn’t commanded, but hasn’t our observance of it set expectations such that it is a real insult (and thus, not honoring) if we ignore it?
KI, you described it perfectly. We feel motherless, even though our mother is alive.
Keebler, I always described cats as being much like stuffed animals, but with slightly more personality.
Kbells: Avoid Jack Russels (ADHD), border collies (need tons of exercise), German shepherds (consistently on the top of the biters list), pit bulls (they eat children), cocker spaniels (incontinence), chinese crested (dumber than rocks), dobermans and rotweillerrs (unless you don’t want anybody visiting you), Collies and English Sheepdogs (you’ll spend half of your life grooming), St. Bernards and Bulldogs (constantly drooling), poodles (they look silly when they get a haircut), chihuahas (they’re constantly telling you to take them to Taco Bell), and retrievers of any kind (they’re always bringing you dead things from the yard.
Get a bird.
Mommy,
You have hit a nerve for many of us as we struggle to find the balance of honoring, but not allowing them to influence our life in ways not in line with our values.
Let your children be upset at your parents. You raised them so that they know what is right and good and they can discern that in your parents.
Let us not forget that as parents, we have responsibilitis to our children so it does go both ways. Don’t berate you parents in front of family or anyone else, but speak honestly when asked. It is tough. We will alway grieve for the relationship we never had.
Find a very ‘generic’ card for Mother’s Day, if you feel the need. They are out there.
do like we did. Get a cat.
Heard this one somewhere:
Thousands of years ago cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.
KImberly is correct.
Metanoia, you have to feed birds. I have a pet rock.
KBells, Surely (our dog, so named because SURELY somebody else wants her)is absolutely the best dog ever! She came into our family by just showing up about 12 years ago and has been great as a farm dog and now as a baby sitter for the grandkids. I think she is lab/border collie cross. Her hair is kind of long but she doesn’t seem to shed in the house. She has never been an overly active dog but likes to walk and explore. She likes being outside when the weather is nice and likes being inside when she is not outside. I think she was about a year old when she arrived and shortly thereafter became pregnant by a neighbor dog who left before the 10 babies were born. He left no provision for their care. It worked out ok though because we found good foster homes for all of them. We made sure that didn’t happen again.
The moral of the story is: Leave your door open and whatever comes in, keep it if it doesn’t bite; but make sure it is spayed or neutered so it does not become a parent, responsible or otherwise.
Mommy, I also am not a pastor, but I am also the Adult Child of an Alcoholic. There is a terrific book out there about Motherless Daughters. I can’t remember the exact title. I have been through Christian Councelling and secular councelling. As the people who gave us life they deserve a certain amount of respect. As “parents” they earn respect just like our children do. You can be respectful of your parents without allowing them to continue to hurt you or your children. One of the hardest things for me as a mother was when my daughter was putting together Nana is Daddy’s mommy and Pop is Daddy’s daddy, Papa is your daddy. Is GiGi your mommy. Since that time I have had many conversations with my daughter explaining this. Just last night she told me her goal when she grew up was to never get drunk. I have had to explain to her a certain times that alcoholics say what they truly believe to be the truth but they are incapable of really being truthful. They don’t mean to hurt us but they do. Somehow you can reach a place inside of you that allows you to respect your parents and not be hurt anymore. I had to do this with my own grandmother. I was never close to her. When my father left for the Navy she told him she hoped she never saw him again. He had worked for his uncle one summer in construction and she had taken all of the money he had saved to buy his sisters cloths, the list goes on. As the years went on my aunt moved in and took care of her as she no longer knew she was in this world. I have tremendous respect for my aunt to give up the last 8 years of her life (she is still alinve to clarify that) to take care of my grandmother. With everyone who ever came by the house she forced them to go back and speak to my grandmother, after all it was her house, except me. I told her I respect Grandma as your’s and Daddy’s mother but she is not grandmother to me. I hope I haven’t rambled endlessly and I hope I have helped you.
Kbells my vote goes for a golden retriever. Right now Chloe is begging for a chihauhau
KBells:
Five years old is way too young to receive a puppy as a present. Dogs require way too much responsibility for a child that age. It is your puppy, not his. Considering that you are actually getting a family pet to coincide with his birthday, the child’s age is less relevant to the type of dog. They both will grow.
Mutts tend to be the healthiest and best overall. Breeding is inherently in-breeding.
Mommy:
I am not presently pastoring, but I was honored with that work for many years.
Honoring one’s parents means respecting the office more than the people. You seem to be on the right track. Honoring your parents also should involve treating them as if they and you are adults. You are not obligated to excuse immature or disfunctional behavior. We expect more from adults.
The relationship between parents and children go through a fundamental and God ordained change when children grow up and move out. Genesis 2 lays the Biblical warrant for adult children to leave their family of origin and create a new family (a better understanding of “one flesh” than reduction to sex.)
If your parent’s disfunction is toxic to you and your family, it is appropriate to maintain a safe distance. Remain civil and pray for them. That should fulfill your obligations.
My vote goes for the pet rock. Or nothing.
No hair, no poop, no drool…
No stuck up airs of I’m king of everything….. No sleeping on my head in the middle of the night,
No licking my face, hands, feet, pants, no crotch sniffing,
No barking, no howling, no yowling, no worries about being in heat, or having puppies, kittens, or piglets….
No torn up furniture, soiled carpet, smelly smells…
No veterinary bills, no grooming bills, no “pet stuff” bills…
Ahhhh… Peace and quiet.
Puppies: I agree five is too young if you expect kids to take more than very minimal care for the dog. (A ten-year-old should be able to do most of the dog care.) But if you have the time to do the care yourself, it’s great for kids to grow up with a dog. But do be aware that training a puppy is A LOT of work. If you get a Lab, the puppy stage will drive you insane (they chew everything), and it will last up to four years. I think Labs are hideous puppies and boring adults, but that’s just me.
Here’s one suggestions: a smooth collie. That’s basically Lassie with a shorter coat, and they’re increasingly popular because you have the collie personality with everything but the coat care (and you miss the beauty, in my mind–I personally want the coat, because the long fur and the beauty are important to me). Collies aren’t attack dogs BUT they will bark, and they will guard you and the house if it’s necessary, and do so quite intelligently. (I heard of one case where a family hired a teen neighbor boy to do some work. He snuck into their house one night to rob them, mistakenly thinking that the dog knew him and would let him in, but the dog attacked.)
BTW, collies also don’t have a “doggie odor,” and they stay clean. Dirt just doesn’t stick to them. With a rough (long-haired) collie, you deal with lots and lots of shedding, and they bring leaves in all fall. But a smooth collie has a very short coat, and these would be non-issues. My rough collie gets a decent amount of outside time, but I only bathe her two or three times a year. People ask if I’ve just bathed her when it was four months since her last bath; she still looks (and smells) clean. Also, collies don’t have a lot of health issues–mostly just eye problems that a proper breeder will test for.
I am quite impressed by the civility, no…it goes beyond that, the grace that is shown on here. So many times just reading someone’s comments, I want to say to that poster, “How rude CAN you be!?!”
It’s one thing to challenge what someone says and another to tell them that they don’t know anything. The arrogance and pride shown in some people’s attitudes by their words is astounding to me.
I wonder if it’s the anonymity of the internet that permits certain people to be so callous with their words. Surely, as a believer, one would be more careful with one’s speech in speaking face to face to people. I hope.
I guess there will always be those people who will never realize that they are perceived as being petty and mean EVEN when they are told. I praise the Lord for all those who do not repay back in kind.
Make It Man,
No petting, no nuzzling you, no looking at you with adoring and almost worshipful eyes, no greeting you with a wagging tail when you arrive home, no companionship on a walk, no thick fur to bury your fingers or toes, no admiring comments from others when you take it on a walk, no barking when someone trespasses in the middle of the night. . . .
Yeah, yeah, yeah…
I figure I’d just give you the chance to say it though.
Mommy, I am a pastor, but I would generally second Ken’s comments in # 26. I would add, though, that the command to honor one’s parents is not immediately dependent on how honorable the parents are. In some ways, it is roughly analogous to loving one’s neighbor — you don’t get to pick and choose such things, and it doesn’t mean that you only have to be nice to those who are lovable and nice to you to begin with. As Jesus reminds us, even the pagans do that!
It might also be helpful to consider the answers to questions 127 and 128 of the Westminster Larger Catechism, which deals with application of the 5th Commandment. The view of the LC is that the fifth commandment pertains not just to parents, but also includes authority relationships in general, but it would certainly apply to familial relationships, of course:
Question 127: What is the honor that inferiors owe to their superiors.?
Answer: The honor which inferiors owe to their superiors is, all due reverence in heart, word, and behavior; prayer and thanksgiving for them; imitation of their virtues and graces; willing obedience to their lawful commands and counsels; due submission to their corrections; fidelity to, defense and maintenance of their persons and authority, according to their several ranks, and the nature of their places; bearing with their infirmities, and covering them in love, that so they may be an honor to them and to their government.
Question 128: What are the sins of inferiors against their superiors?
Answer: The sins of inferiors against their superiors are, all neglect of the duties required toward them; envying at, contempt of, and rebellion against, their persons and places, in their lawful counsels, commands, and corrections; cursing, mocking, and all such refractory and scandalous carriage, as proves a shame and dishonor to them and their government.
kbells,
Little shorthaired Doxie Dogs are the best. 9-10 pounds, no hair, no grooming, eats 1/2 cup of food a day split evenly between morning and night, the only dog actually bred to be stupid so it will attack and bark at any dog or cat or anything else alive no matter how big it is - if it is a stanger, strangers can’t get the dog used to them because the dog is too stupid to remember them and they will always be a stranger, poops are really small but the dog is stupid and cleans up after itself by eating it, doesn’t need any exercise, or any other attention stuff - a couple of small toys will do just fine but it doesn’t require you to participate, mine loves a medium size plastic cup you get for free to push around the back yard with its nose, no large yard required, great with small and large kids once they get to know them and they figure out they are not strangers (this could take awhile becausue they ar so dumb). The dog will just love you to death though and be your best friend by far.
If you have a swimming pool you need to be careful and fence it off because they hate water, don’t swim well and are stupid enough to fall in. Their legs are too short to get out so they just drown before you know it. If you put in a Doxie Door you don’t have to let them out (they are smart enough to know when to pee and poop most of the time) and the door is too small for most other stuf to get in.
A friend of mine had a Doxie die when it inhaled the small bits at the bottom of left over bag of Cheetos. They got stuck in little nose and she wastoo stupid to breath through her mouth instead. Like I said, they aren’t very smart so they can die for the weirdest reasons imaginable but, you don’t feel all that bad about it since they weren’t much of a dog to begin with - so no emotional loss when they die of old age either.
Just get another one - they are way better then kids
Sorry, Cheryl:
All that is wonderful about dogs goes right out the window with me when one shoves his huge wet nose on my clean jeans.
Gradma 23. That story reminds me of how we got our current cat. She was a stray we found living in a drainpipe. We named her Piper. We already had two cats and a few weeks later we wake to the sound of tiny mewing. WE didn’t know she was already in the family way. She had three kittens. Later that night I hear my husband mumbling, “We have SIX cats. How did that happen?”
Ken, of course I’m not going to just hand him over and say “good luck Fido.”
Llama - You’re such a sentimental one, aren’t you?
Kimberly #34, Try a pet rock. It doesn’t mess up your jeans, and if it doesn’t work out between you, you can discard it without any (well- little) remorse. You can go out without getting a friend to care for it. When you tell it to “stay”, it stays. Mine jumps on my lap every time I want it to. It never messes up your carpet. And it stays quiet while you’re trying to study.
TJ, Thank you. But does this still apply to your parents when you, yourself are an adult?
And would you consider it to be “neglect of duties required towards them?” if I ignored Mother’s day? As mentioned, I realize that Mother’s day isn’t even Biblical, much less a commandment, but we all know it would be an insult.
#38 … Hmmm, I suppose even rocks are allowed in no-pets-allowed apartments too. This might just work.
Mommy,
TJ is at the church preparing for tonight’s study, but I can safely say that yes, he would say it applies to adult children. He mentioned that it applies by extension to other authority figures, and the audience receiving the original instruction were adults, as well.
I’ll let him take up the second question, as it is a bit more nuanced.
Kimberly, they’re very quiet at night. Don’t say anything and no one will notice. If they do, say, “It’s just something I picked up for protection.”
Mommy,
You are really struggling with this and I know what that is like. Don’t expect resolution quickly. It can take years sometimes and many times there is never resolution.
Distancing yourself from destructive relationships is one way–if it is possible. I have learned there are certain topics I do not speak about and in doing so I am protecting myself. Even though we can forgive whatever has happened in the past, there may be a need to build a protective wall around you and your family.
If you do not acknowledge Mother’s Day is there going to be backlash?
To quote Ogden Nash:
“The trouble with a kitten is that
It eventually becomes a cat.”
Mommy, send the mothers day card. Don’t get anything mushy or sentimental. There a lots to choose from. This will relieve you from any guilt you may feel. It will prevent any backlash. Simply sign your given name,
Kim
And be done with it. As grandma said, you are still struggling with this and I would hate hate for you to have any regrets if something happened to her next week. Just because the relationship is toxic doesn’t mean you can turn a tap and turn off your emotions. I currently am struggling with the loss of a toxic relationship. I have not spoken to this person in 16 days and am going through terrible withdrawal. The person was no good for me. I had ended the relationship once before, he is still no good for me, but all I can remember right now is the good. Then I remind myself of the bad and I cry. I sent him a letter the day after I last spoke with him telling him that I had to take care of me and hoped that he found all the happiness he was looking for. Only you can know what is best for you. Live life with no regrets.
Wow, protection … that’s another good idea. I’ll bet I can even find a guard rock.
Wonder if they sell them at pet stores ….
Grandma and Kim, Thank you for your comments. A little follow up might explain things. I can’t keep my distance - my parents live across the street from me and I see them all the time and always have the whole crew for dinner on Saturday nights (this includes my 2 sons, dil, mil, fil, and sil). These other folks are well aware of how messed up my mother is and they praise me for my patience. Many times I must leave the room because of things my mother is saying. I do avoid certain topics, however, they’ve become so numerous that there’s nothing left to talk about. As for backlash, she is so dishonest and manipulative that there’s backlash no matter what you do cuz she makes up stuff. For years I sent her flowers (which she LOVES) on Mother’s Day and then once she told me about a conversation she had with a coworker who suggested that she’s such a wonderful mother (based on her description of herself) that her children must really treat her great on Mother’s Day. She told me that she replied, “Well, I’ll probably hear from my oldest daughter” (that’s me).
Mommy, you have validation from other people that your mother is “off center”.
Mommy,
My mom and I weren’t particularly close; I don’t really want to say more than that. It was hard to find a Mother’s Day card that wasn’t too mushy. (They all seem to be written for the world’s most loving mother.) But it meant something to her that I remembered holidays. (Her birthday was May 1, and so I could get away with just remembering one and not both. But for about ten years after Dad died, I remembered not only her birthday and Mother’s Day, but I also called her on Dad’s birthday, Father’s Day, and their anniversary–she told me later that it meant a great deal.)
In her very last years, she learned to accept love better than she ever had, and she saw her and me as “close,” though I didn’t. When she died, I had the satisfaction of knowing I had loved her well in her final years.
It would indeed be tougher to have her across the street. But I guess what I’m saying is, do what’s right, don’t do anything “excessive,” and God will honor your love for her.
One time when my mom had hurt me (again, I won’t say more), a wise older friend took me in her arms and let me cry, and said, “Someday your mom will need you, and you’ll be there for her.” In Mom’s last years, I remembered that, and was glad to see it come true. When Mom died, I had loved her as well as was possible, and I had no regrets. And now I can remember the good memories too, the things we did together, the things that struck us both as funny, our common interests. She was a hurt human being, but I got to be God’s hands in helping heal her a bit, and that’s sweet.
And weeks after she died, I dreamed that I saw Mom and she saw me crying (missing her), and she took me tenderly in her arms, with an endearment. I felt as though maybe God had actually let her love me once in her perfected state that had a better ability to love.
Cheryl 49
Your last paragraph has me in tears. God bless you, and comfort you.
Love and prayers
Mommy, Cameron has it correct in pointing out that the commandment was originally given to adults (but the community of Israel also included children, of course), so adults do have a responsibility, although circumstances change as one grows older. But I would say that adults can still honor they aged parents, for example, in the way they care for them when they become unable to do so themselves.
As far as Mother’s Day goes: for me, it is very much what I would call a “Hallmark Holiday.” Certainly it is not a “holy day” of any sort, and I would shirk back greatly from calling it a “duty”. Nevertheless, weigh carefully how you handle it. If you know that it will be perceived as a deliberate slight by your mother, then that would be a reason not ignore the day. Jesus and Paul both remind us to love our enemies and such; I can’t see how parents would escape that. At the very least, she deserves to be treated with some modicum of respect and love on that day. That does not mean, though, that you must go overboard, either.
After all, when we were yet sinners, Christ died for us, and while were enemies, we were reconciled to God through the death of His son.
Yes Chas, but can you tie a balloon to a pet rock’s tail and watch it panic and run all over the house?
Mommy,
I am going to step out in the field behind my house and scream for you……..OK now I feel better. But my heart is aching for you still.
As the saying goes ‘You are danged if you do and danged if you don’t’. Been there, done that. So always do the thing that is right and you will have no regrets.
TJ, Your counsel is good for many of us. Thank you.
Cheryl, I feel the same about my Mother. She is now in her 90’s and fragile, so I tread softly.
I still don’t send mushy cards. If you look carefully, there is alway one that has the right message, without being lovey-dovey.
KBells wrote about cats: “they are much less emotionally manipulative.”
My cat manipulates me all the time. He can guilt me easily.
Mommy, they’re right. You will regret it if you don’t send the card and something happens, but later on, in a nice discussion, perhaps you can tell your mom that she treated your brother unfairly and she should apologize. She did go through labor for you.
kbells that’s just wrong…i knew you and i had more in common…
mommy the right thing will come to you and remember my motto No one can judge me until they walk a mile in my shoes. My ex husband did not think it was one bit funny that I wrecked the car as a teenager and convinced my alcoholic mother she must have done it. She owed me for all the dinners I cooked, bills I paid, and nights I put her to bed. Anyway it was only a small dent on the front fender and easily fixed.
KBells, you didn’t tie a baloon to a cat’s tail and I would have been whipped if I had.
Kimberly, (#46) I think you’re just being cute here, don’t you remember what David did with a rock?
More so called tolerance by the left. I guess free speech is only for those who agree with them.
http://www.breitbart.tv/?p=91513
The first link is a video of the episode, here’s a news story on it.
Anti-abortion display stirs up controversy
http://tinyurl.com/5q8agf
AJ: The story quotes one (1) student objecting to the display. It also quotes one who disagrees with the pro-life group but supports their right to free speech.
How on Earth can you generalize the intolerance of one (1) student into an indictment of “the left?”
Eh Chas…
I have to confess, when I was a kid, there were occasions upon which I was mean to a cat. Once I taped up all four paws of our poor Siamese. It is a side splitting experience to see a cat try to shake all four paws at once.
And it’s nearly impossible to put up with a Siamese in heat. What an ungodly noise! I probably shouldn’t have tossed her into the water barrel. She was only quiet long enough to lick herself dry though…
It’s a wonder that poor animal didn’t turn out to be The Cat From Hell.
Today, I’m a reformed cat hater. I’m not mean to them unless they wake me up at 2 AM yowling and screaming and hissing. Then I flick the lights on and hiss at them. Usually they streak out of sight and I don’t see them again til next month.
Well steve, perhaps you should check out the comments. Those on the left all seem to be in agreement. Are you? And please, this is hardly the only example of the left not allowing opposing views.
And did you ever check out the video like I asked? You didn’t have a comment on that? Why am I not surprised.
Oh, and steve, he’s not the only one. There’s also a young women and halfway thru on the right side of the screen, another male, who are also doing it. You really should pay closer attention.
Wait, I meant left side of the screen. The male is on the left, but quickly moves off when security shows up.
SteveG,
There was video footage of another student pulling up crosses too. I’d say Roderick’s reaction is pretty indicative of the left’s tendencies. Isn’t that what the whole “pro-choice” movement is saying? That we have “no right” to protest the killing of the unborn? And that it’s the responsiblity of the mother “to choose”? (As if you can be a mother since, according to “pro-choice” advocates, it’s not really a baby.)
We respectfully (and sometimes not so respectfully) disagree with your (corporate “your”) sometimes respectful (and many times very disrespectful) disagreement.
Did I check out a video that I’m pretty sure is going to show me bloody fetuses and such? No, why would I?
On the free speech issue, I think everybody has a right to express an opinion and people who object are wrong, no matter which ideological “side” they’re on.
What’s a matter, don’t have the stomach for it. You crack me up. You advocate for it, but don’t want to watch the true horror of it. Maybe it’ll rattle your support for it, and maybe it’ll change your mind.
Cheryl - Your 4th paragraph in #49, starting with “One time when my mom had hurt me…” sounds like me, too. There has been a lot of tension between my mom & me, but as she’s aged (& in her great grief over losing my dad), she has needed me. Now she has terminal cancer, & needs me more than ever. I am glad to be able to love her for the Lord, & do what I can to help her.
Kim - Please, please don’t take this the wrong way. What I’m about to write is written with love & concern, & from experience…
Please try to come to a place of being able to stop “being” an Adult Child of an Alcoholic. You may think that is impossible, it is “who you are”. But it’s not really who you are. It is a label based on something that has happened to you, & yes, is a part of who you are.
It is so easy to remain in the victim mindset, being very aware, maybe even over-aware (as I was once), of the effects of a “bad” parent. But to be free, you must move on from that & put that label behind you.
I said I am writing from experience. It is not the same as yours, but it was difficult enough for me to deal with. When I recognized the dynamics of the relationship, I was able to understand certain things & talk about them. But there came a time when I had to move on from that, recognize that it was over, let God heal me, & begin to see myself as a “whole” person (even if I didn’t always feel “whole”).
Support groups can be good for a while, but be aware that some can devolve into gripe sessions, which don’t help anybody but continue to stir up hurts. (I’m not saying all, but some, so just be careful of what groups you may join, in person or online.)
Again, this is written with love & concern. I’ve seen you label yourself as an “Adult Child…” several times. Please don’t let it stick. Jesus came to set the captives free, & some of those captives are emotional captives. I was one once. Praise God, He helped me grow out of that, He set me free. And He can do the same for you.
Maybe you’re not yet at the place in your life to be able to “move on”. If not, continue to learn what you can, get the support you can, & keep in mind that one day you will be able to move on & put the label “behind” you. (Just don’t put the label on your behind.
)
God bless you, Kim.
Mommy,
As TJ pointed out in #51, “adults can still honor they aged parents, for example, in the way they care for them when they become unable to do so themselves.” And that, as I understand, was actually the primary thrust of the commandment to honor father and mother.
I would agree with Kim, that sending a fairly generic Mothers Day card would be the best course. She couldn’t say you ignored Mothers Day, but you wouldn’t be expressing any sentiment you don’t actually feel.
Mothers Day was never an issue for me, in spite of the lack of a close relationship between my mother and me, because she thought it was stupid to celebrate special days of any kind, and a waste to buy gifts such as cards or flowers that served no useful purpose.
AJ … I eat steak, but I don’t want to watch videos of cows being slaughtered. Do you?
We all know it’s an ugly thing. That doesn’t mean it’s necessarily always the wrong thing.
SteveG, there are no aborted fetuses or anything of the sort in the video. You should watch it. The only obscene thing is the action of the young man in question. Seriously, it’s pretty eye-opening, regardless of how you fall on the issue.
Ending an innocent life is always the wrong thing steve.
TJ, steve and I were discussing a different video, as well as this one. He’s refering to the abortion video, not the intolerant lefty one. It’s OK, you didn’t know that.
Ending an innocent life is always the wrong thing steve.
So do you oppose war then, on the grounds that civilians are inevitably killed?
Steve,
Nothing remotely gross about the video. Watch it.
Make It Man: AJ was talking about a different video from an earlier thread, not the one about the protest.
Nice try steve. The difference is that civilians in war are not intentionally killed. And they’re not being killed by their mothers intentionally. See the difference?
Uh huh. It’s always “different” when it’s something you approve of.
How does it matter that it isn’t intentional? They’re just as dead. And going to war in the first place, knowing it will unavoidably incur some dead (or grievously maimed, which may be worse) non-combatants IS intentional.
So whatever self-righteousness you may feel about abortion doesn’t extend to innocent civilians killed in a war zone. Because that’s “different.” Right.
Wow, got quiet all of a sudden.
Steve G, I started to answer you hours ago, and rolled my eyes and didn’t bother. If you don’t see the difference, it’s your own choice, not because there isn’t one. Nothing we say can convince you, so why bother trying. But don’t think you’ve “won” because people didn’t bother to answer; after a while it simply isn’t worth it.
SteveG, Is there a difference between a cop accidentally hitting someone during a pursuit and deliberately shooting them in the face because they’re in his way?
Sorry steve, but it’s called bedtime. I’m on the east coast. But I’m up now.
Now if you can’t see the difference between someone killed by another country during war, and a child killed by it’s mother, I don’t know that I should bother trying to explain it to you. It seems pretty obvious.
And I like how you simply change the subject the subject from abortion to war. I guess I would do that too, if my abortion argument was as lame as yours. I think we’re done here.
There is a difference, but there is not such a great difference as to free you of inconsistency in your argument, AJ.
War itself is a chosen activity, especially when it is a pre-emptive one and not a defensive one. And innocents who are not involved in the conflict die in wars.
You could have shared a few words about heartbroken you are about innocent Iraqis who have been killed in our current conflict, but you essentially sneered at the whole issue in your rush to show me why I’m wrong. Their deaths don’t matter to you, because they are not American unborn.
I did not “change the subject.” I illustrated the inconsistency in your positions. You are outraged over the deaths of innocents in one case, and blase about the deaths of innocents in another.
On abortion, I do not defend the practice. I do defend the right of a pregnant woman to make the decision herself according to the dictates of her own conscience. The law allows that and theologians and ethicists offer a wide variety of opinions and no clear consensus. The fact that you and other conservatives are convinced it is immoral does not override others who are equally convinced it is not.
Therefore, I conclude that my position is to stay out of it.
Steve,
I think comparing incidental deaths by war, and purposeful deaths by abortion are comparing apples and oranges. One is specifically targeting an individual. The other is an accidental killing. Neither is more or less tragic, the difference lies in intent. War is a complex situation in which you must try to judge which actions are likely to cause the least harm to innocents while doing the most good for them. Abortion is comparitively irreducible in it’s simplicity. You target a child, you kill him/her. End of story.
Big, big, huge, gargantuan difference.
You say you do not support abortion, but by your tacit agreement you do. You would allow a “mother” (how is that word defined again?) to kill her own child. While I understand your position that there’s no seeming consensus, that does not mean there is no correct way to view this subject.