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A compliment sandwich
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I told my son about a problem I was having with his younger brother, and he said, “Why don’t you give him a compliment sandwich.” My most laconic offspring then left me alone to grapple inductively with the concept, and here is what I came up with:
The “compliment sandwich” is what the Apostle Paul served up when he also was having trouble with the brothers. On either side of the ham of rebuke or salami of exhortation, he would present the bread of encouragement, the better to make the meal more palatable. Here was Paul’s style:
- You guys are terrific! I’m always boasting to the other churches about you! I have such confidence in you!
- Here are ten things you need to change immediately.
- I can’t wait to see you! I have such confidence in you! I love you!
Consider his first letter to the Corinthian church:
- I keep thanking God for you; your speech and knowledge have never been better! (1:4,5)
- You’re fractious and partisan and divisive (1:10-17). You’re carnal and jealous and immature (chapter 3). You’re arrogant and lacking in meekness (chapter 4). You put up with sexual immorality (chapter 5). You’re lawsuit-happy (chapter 6). Cut it out!
- I can’t wait to see you! I have such confidence in you! I love you! (chapter 16).
Everybody needs to be told when he’s doing something right — even if it’s just a little something, and if on balance it’s pretty messed up.
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Sounds better than my dad’s offering - a knuckle sandwich.
We can also add the mayonnaise of brotherly love, the pickle of sorrow, the paper-wrap of God’s loving arms, the lettuce of “let us press on”, the sliced tomato of small group unity . . . Hey! This is kind of fun.
And while we’re delivering the sandwich, we need enough humility on our part to recognize that the meat of the matter may be all baloney.
Let’s see how much we can twist the metaphor before it breaks down…
And sometimes a baloney sandwich is better than two slices of bread.
Mark,
Please qualify your statement…
From the time I was seven, through collage and even beyond, I took private music lessons. These included piano, cello, flute, guitar, organ, and voice. As you can see, I had many teachers. However there is one that clearly stands out in my memory. She taught organ at Illinois State for two years while the regular teacher left to do work on her doctorate. She would always start her comments with things like: “Your rhythm is much better,” or “I can tell you’ve practicing that section a lot this week.” Only then would she say: “You need to work out a better fingering on that run,” or similar criticism.
I flourished under her teaching. When the regular teacher came back with her doctorate, I and most of her students, found ourselves discouraged because no matter how hard you worked, she only made negative comments.
BTW, I know God has a sense of humor, because while organ was my major instrument in college and I thought I’d be playing it in church the rest of my life, I joined an Orthodox Church. We don’t use an organ or any other instrument. Everything is sung a cappella! So now I’m a choir director but I certainly don’t get to play the organ.
Kathy,
Marvin Blickenstaff taught my piano pedagogy courses after writing Music Pathways, a beginning piano course for children. His belief was that you set the student up for success. He set us up for success by teaching us how to teach. It was one of the very greatest and healing experiences of my life. I had the same discouraging musical training growing up that you describe from a private instructor who focused on the negative, to sexual verbal abuse in class from my high school teacher after four years of faithful participation and leadership in his program.
I have to wonder about:
“I keep thanking God for you; your speech and knowledge have never been better! (1:4,5)
You’re fractious and partisan and divisive (1:10-17). You’re carnal and jealous and immature (chapter 3). You’re arrogant and lacking in meekness (chapter 4). You put up with sexual immorality (chapter 5). You’re lawsuit-happy (chapter 6). Cut it out!”
Their speech has never been better and yet they are carnal, jealous and immature? Finish the list. These traits surely were surely in their speech!
Any good teacher or coach knows that a lot of positive feedback is needed. This sort of 2:1 thing might be a good mix.
I’ve learned from my dear husband that constructive criticism doesn’t need to be worded negatively. Even the day I let a kitten get into the dryer and he was the one who found it, his first words to me were, “You could probably try to be a little more careful.”
Mommy - I hate to ask, but - did the kitten survive? (My thought would be that it did not.)
What a nice way for your husband to approach it. Still, the truth must have hurt.
No, the kitten didn’t survive, and yes, it hurt very much - for both the kitten and my husband, who found it.
The funny thing is that our kids were just young enough to not miss her for several hours and the people we had gotten her from still had one left that looked just like her. We got the replacement and never told the boys until about 20 years later. They still look at us funny sometimes and mention the “Smokey” incident.
I just now realized the irony of her name.
Yeah, that is ironic, in a sad sort of way.