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We’ve been house-shopping, off and on, for the last 18 months, while at the same time trying to sell our own house. This came about from several gradual realizations: that four boys need land on which to play and work, that being rooted in nature is an essential component of the lives we want for ourselves and our children, and that living in an accidental community is in some ways worse than living where our nearest neighbor is half a mile away. I have allergies, I hate snakes, and I don’t know the first thing about heavy machinery, but somehow I’m still convinced we need to live in the country.
This process has afforded me some interesting insights into what prospective home buyers want, and into how many prospective home sellers live. Today’s home buyers want luxury–palatial bedrooms, and everyone with his own bathroom and cable connection. It would hit too close to the truth for each family member to live in his own tent on a piece of property, so instead we build bigger houses and pitch the tents inside. Big bedrooms, big garages so that everyone has a place to park — because everyone has somewhere separate to go — and smaller dining rooms, because family meals are a declining feature of American life. Nowadays people eat when their schedules permit, often standing at the bar that has become a ubiquitous kitchen feature in newer homes.
Perhaps because I am a writer, the thing that grieves me the most, when I wander like a cultural spy through other people’s homes, is the paucity of books. When there are bookshelves, they are more likely to be filled with pictures, decorative plates, fake flowers arrangements, trophies, and other modern tchotchkes than with books. Where once families proudly displayed whatever small quantity of leather-bound books they could afford to own, now people display rows and rows of DVDs.
The DVDs are essential, you see, because the centerpiece of many homes I’ve seen is the television. Most homes have at least a couple, many have more than that. Nearly every “living” or “family” room has a television that is taller than most of my children, with all the furniture oriented toward it like pews before an altar. It’s strange what we call these rooms, given that their primary purpose seems to have so little to do either with living or families. But we have made the television part of our family, without realizing it. I can look outside my window at any time of day or night, and see my neighbor’s big-screen television playing, often cartoons, because he has small children. When I drive past his house, I can see another big television playing in an upstairs room. These chatterboxes are part of the family, I suppose, just like a cat or a dog or a child might be. If you think I exaggerate, call your local cable company and ask a customer service representative how panicked and furious people are when there’s an outage.
So we’re looking at a house on twenty acres, ten miles outside the city. The house needs a lot of work, the property is covered with trees, and I don’t even know how to work a chain saw. Maybe we won’t buy this property, but I think we’re going to buy something like it. It will probably lead to a series of hilarious disasters, and any number of injuries. I’ll make a darn fool out of myself to boot. But for all my inexperience, I have the sense of moving toward something more real, something my children need. I’m willing to be a fool for that, and for the hope that maybe, by virtue of being spared some of the luxuries of modern suburban living, my sons will emerge better men than me. Any number of experiments are worth that, don’t you think?
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Don’t blame racism
Well that’s what my Dad did. We unplugged the TV and moved to Alaska in 1968… what an adventure! No running water (unless I was running with a bucket), no TV, no internet, and 150 acres behind which was nothing but State land as far as one could walk - for several weeks. I’d say it was a good experience for the most part. I should have done something similar with my sons.
Your point about the TV is especially well-taken. In our house, the TV shares a room with the library. Our DVD collection fills a small drawer, the VHS another. The books are double stacked on 5 large bookcases. You can tell that the focus in our family is not on the latest episode of Friends!
It sounds like your sons will have a wonderful childhood in the country, something that fewer and fewer children get to experience. I wish you and your family the best in your homestead search.
Tony, welcome to the “real world”! I think you will like it. But you are wise to realize there will be lots of frustrating times, embarrassing times, (hopefully) minor injuries, and plain old mistakes! But there will be even more rewarding times.
We did what you are planning about eight years ago and have enjoyed it immensely. Since you are a writer and I would assume need only an internet connection to do your work most of the time, I would suggest moving further out, buying more land, and making an effort to earn some income from the land - farming, ranching, truck garden, timber, whatever. We live about 70 miles from Dallas-Ft.Worth, the “MetroMess”, and raise cattle.
We were disgusted with today’s culture in America and hoped to be able to return to an area with more traditional values. That was only partially successful, but I do believe it’s better here than in the big cities.
If I can offer any help or suggestions, email me.
Good luck, Tony. I’m envious. I too have been looking at multi-acre rural lots myself recently, but I haven’t had the cojones to pull the trigger on the deal. You have very accurately have described my where my head is at these days and the reason for making the move.
Not sure why I can’t close the deal. Maybe I’m afraid I’ll end up like Eddie Albert in Green Acres, which actually wouldn’t be all that bad - ‘cept that having a neighbor like Mr. Haney would *really* annoy me.
I’ve taken the simple step of canceling my cable service and putting one TV in storage. I kept one TV for DVD rentals.
I highly recommend that you and your family rent the classic Cary Grant comedy, “Mr. Blandings build his Dreamhouse”.
Make It Man - I assume you’ve seen PBS air that fantastic documentary on the Dick Proenneke the guy who lives alone in the Alaska wilderness. Every time they show it, I have to watch it!
http://www.dickproenneke.com/alone_in_the_wilderness.html
Often when I read of people going to the country, I wonder if they are searching in nostalgia for something that never existed. Part of the Romantic tradition is to eschew modernity. Common in the early 70s among the youth rejecting the pre-made 50s culture and now popular among those who reject the (im)morality of the present. In reality, a particular physical situation which will not root you.
If you were to wander through open houses in older neighborhoods where a TV wall unit wouldn’t fit, kitchens are small and utilitarian, bathrooms are not plural, then you would realize its not the country you seek but a rejection of suburbia. The make believe world. Rather than an “accidental community” its a planned community created mechanically and often features dysfunctional results. “Organic” communities are not only found in small towns/rural areas but in older areas of cities built house by house, store by store and service by service.
This is how my children started their young lives…we moved away from it in their golden years, ages 6-11. Two of them just cried. I just cried and felt sick to see their boy toys go, the real bows and arrows, the paddle boat, on which four children navigated an acre-sized pond, the animals for which we cared. I believe that this environment aided in the development of our children’s minds, along with the 200 feet of bookshelves that were full. They were happy. I have to say that God is faithful in any circumstances. His ways are not our ways, and He will fulfill His promises.
HRW,
I don’t think you’ve experienced either suburbia or rural living. Suburbia beats the city, despite liberals whining to the contrary. But I prefer rural although I realize it isn’t for everyone.
And did you live through the ’50s? Our neighborhood may not have been “Father Knows Best”, but it wasn’t all that different. Kids were safe playing anywhere in the neighborhood. Drug use was unheard of. Parents faced problems, and didn’t run to a “counselor” or take a pill for every known problem. Parents stayed married even if there were problems. Kids felt secure. We didn’t have as much materially, but certainly had much more in other more important ways.
Our move to a small town, then to the country didn’t take us back to the fifties, as much as we wish it had. But it did take us to an area where society is not as degraded as it is in today’s cities.
Interesting use of the word “need” in this piece. Kids are flexible and they will adapt to living wherever God leads the parents — IF the parents will let their attitudes be adapted. If God is leading you in your endeavor — yay! More power to you. But kids don’t HAVE to have a home in the country to gain the benefits you are hoping for. They need parents committed to the Lord and to raising them according to His principles — wherever they live.
I don’t mean that harshly at all — just as a way to introduce the fact that my husband and I have been led in the opposite direction in the last year. DH is a builder and I spent almost 10 years designing a house. We live in a somewhat rural area, and it was our dream to buy some property and build our place; our kids wanted to have horses, chickens, cows and a creek. The passion for this was so intense — I eventually had to ask the Lord to remove it from me if it wasn’t His will. And He *did*.
Now we are pretty committed to staying in town (we’re not in the suburbs, but really “in town”). We want to see neighbors, form relationships, serve, bless, be blessed by people, enjoy supporting our local economy (weekly farmer’s market, local bookstores instead of internet, etc.), have a smaller impact on the environment (we can survive with one car in town, and we obviously will drive far less), be close to members of our churh family (we walk to church when weather permits, as do many families in our church), let our younger teens develop some character and earn some money via paper routes, and be more available to the international students attending the university located in the middle of our town (for which we want to open our home generously and often).
The hardest part of this change has been knowing the kids also had to give up some dreams (animals, 5 acres on which to romp, etc.) — but they are FINE. They are excited, even! And it’s because dh and I are modeling excitement — they want to follow the Lord’s leading, too (and they know this leading will come primarily through dh and I). It’s been an awesome process.
#7 You got me — I never lived in suburbia nor did I live through the 50s. I did live in a rural area as a child. However, I teach in suburbia and the products of suburbia are not well adjusted. My comments are based on the general motivations behind any Romanticism based notions of running away from the moral contaminants of urbanity.
As for the culture of fear the pervades north America, in part I’ll shoot the messenger. The media has become far more efficient in delivering horror stories in real time hence frightening parents in locking up their children or running away to the farm.
HRW: I share your insights in #5 above. I, have lived in the city, in the country and in suburbia. I’ll take the city thank you.
I love the diversity, the cultural amenities and conveniences. But mostly I love the people. I think what a lot of people crave is simplicity. The modern trappings of life can complicate things unnecessarily.
Here is what my wife and I did. We scaled down our lives by living on 1/3 of what we were living on 5 years ago. We moved into a small apartment and gave away just about anything that we thought we wouldn’t need.
Life is simpler, unencumbered and we don’t feel the pressure of having to maintain a bunch of stuff that we really didn’t need.
Peace of mind is a state of mind, not something you can necessarily find in a place.
My family moved from the city to the country when I was just starting 2nd grade. I remember what a shock it was to find no other female my age lived near by to play with me. There was almost always another girl available in the city. I was very lonely at first. There were other kids close enough, however, to get going a neighborhood softball game or play hide and go seek in the dark outside.
We moved to the country when my children were very young. One was born in the country. I found it a great place to rear children. They had to be driven any place they wanted to go. Some people think that is a disadvantage. It did take a lot more money for gas and and a lot of time from both parents. It also meant that we were in the car to discuss whatever had happened during their day a plus in my opinion. I spent lots of hours driving them to lessons, after-school activities, church activities and bringing them to friends or their friends to our home for overnights. I wouldn’t trade it for anything.
I believe Sylvie when she says she doesn’t watch that much tv: there is no “latest” episode of Friends! They’re all reruns.
People today keep saying Donna Reed didn’t exist, and to some extent that’s true, but RRBar’s description of the 50s is accurate. I finished high school in 1970. We didn’t worry about a classmate coming in with a gun to shoot us up. (We still got detention for chewing gum.) The media didn’t have the horror stories to report that it has today. I know HRW will find this hard to believe, but they could — and did –break into tv programs with breaking news. Even in 1963 when Kennedy was shot, I learned about it within 20 minutes of the event, a shock for a 6th grader. We didn’t live in the stone age.
I hope Tony gets his house and land out in the boonies, but I hope he doesn’t cut down all the trees — if you have kids, in the fall, you let them rake the leaves and run into the pile. It was a lot of fun.
Good fro you Tony! There is not a room in our house (including bathrooms!) lacking a bookshelf. At last count we have over 2,200 books about anything and everything. And more come each day becasue of my book reviewing hobby. And we don’t even have kids yet! We also have removed TV from out lives. We have not removed the TV itself and still enjoy movies (we are part of the X generation after all) but have no cable or braodcast, although both are readily available. And we feel great about it.
I have no desire to live in the country or be closer to nature, but I appreciate you love of books and dislike of the chatterbox obsession.
As the mother of three boys, I was advised to give them “as much outdoor time as possible.” Owing to our many moves, the children grew up in all sorts of neighborhoods, though they are all fond of the acre we had in Washington with a creek running through. They learned to shoot BB guns and bow and arrows there.
Their sister, who didn’t have as much time in the country, now fires the inherited BB gun in our suburban back yard–where she also shoots the bow and arrow at a bale of straw. I’m sure it’s against the law, but our neighbors have never complained.
Enjoy the country but remember it isn’t a panacea. I, personally, hated having to drive five miles for a gallon of milk, and if I never have to tussle with a septic tank again, I’ll be happy.
Michelle,
Now see, that right there is why God made goats. Small acreage and small children can both handle them and you never have to go five miles to buy a gallon of milk, just walk out the door. Country life is not for everybody. I am glad or it would be much more crowded out here.
Sounds like Tony has been reading Wendell Berry.
Thank you all for your advice and good thoughts. If nothing else, the coming years should offer plenty of entertainment for readers.
Train, you caught me. His economics are dreadful, but his communitarian impulse appeals to me. But as others have noted here, one doesn’t have to live in the country to have deliberate community.
Here Here! (He said while living off the grid in the middle of a national forest with a whole lotta sled dogs)