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The marri-”age” gap
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I always said I would marry an older man. God must have laughed at my plans: I ended up marrying a younger man. OK–so he’s only three weeks younger, but I’m still older! And according to new research, that’s not the ideal situation if you want lots of children:
Last year, a study of Swedish census information suggested a 4 to 6-year age gap is best, but new research has found that in some circumstances a surprisingly large gap - 15 years - is the optimum.
Martin Fieder at the University of Vienna and Susanne Huber of the University of Veterinary Medicine, also in Vienna, Austria, studied the Swedish data and found that a simple equation related the age difference of the parents to the number of offspring. For people who had maintained monogamous relationships throughout adulthood, the most children were found in couples where the man was 4.0 to 5.9 years older than the woman.
Fieder says the probable explanation behind the phenomenon is simple: “Men want women younger than themselves because they are physically attractive,” while women look for security and stability and, thus, gravitate toward older men.
Makes sense–if you view marriage from only a breeding standpoint. Beyond progeny production, what negative or positive impact can age gaps have on marriages–any personal examples to relate?
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One more diversion
Most of the men my age are not of the maturity level that interests me.
TJ is nine years older than I am, and the difference usually displays itself in trivia knowledge. He’ll say, “Remember — ?” and I’ll remind him I was four during the event he’s referencing! We are technically of the same generation (we had a thread on that a while back), but have very different experiences because we were at opposite ends–he graduated high school in ‘85 and I was class of ‘94.
His parents were 14 years apart and it sounds like they had a pretty good marriage, too.
My husband and I are over 6 years apart. We are almost different generations apart as far as our upbringings. There was no practical reason for us to be together except for God’s plan. We were friends before we married and he was more mature than the men who were more my age. He went into the service when I was 12. Like TJ, things like that become a source of amusement for us.
I know several marriages that have a much older man. The biggest challenge can be physical health. I have seen where the younger woman is quite often healthier and becomes a caregiver. Of course, that may happen with a couple the same age also. I know my husband lost some retirement income because there was an age gap of more than 5 years.
No matter the age gap, all couples have to work out a variety of differences. I sure haven’t noticed any difference as far as the number of children in any of the marriages.
Believe it or not, my inlaws are 30 years apart. Hubbie’s dad was much older than hubbie’s mom, who passed away at a young age. Then he remarried someone 30 years his junior. It makes for very complicated family gatherings. She’s a bit whacky (and at times, we wonder just why she married him…) In her eyes, I can do nothing right as a mother. She has grown daughters and does not understand the energy level of a boy. I love hubbie’s dad–he is quiet, thoughtful, and loves to work outside like I do. But I have to get on my knees every time we prepare to go to their house.
I guess I didn’t really answer the question, but at least in our case, this huge age gap is not such a positive thing.
My hubby is six years older and we have seven children. Guess were right on the Swedish curve.
In our marriage we never seem to notice the age difference. I graduated from college before him (he did four years in the military first) and he can still whup me in a 5K.
I love what Rita Rudner says about this subject:
“Well, the old theory was “marry a older man because they’re more mature”. But the new theory is “men don’t mature — marry a young one”.”
I married an older man. Three days older.
I’m 12 years older than my wife - but she was only 20 when we met, and 21 when we married. 12 years married and one child, aged five.
The weird thing is, she gets almost all of the cultural references, even things that she really shouldn’t get, that happened around the time of or even before she was born. I think it’s because her sisters were 12 and 7 years older than her.
The oddest parts for me, is when I think about her being in first grade when I was graduating high school, and having a five year old, while some of my classmates are starting to have grandkids. We’re not that old!!!
Guess we’re behind the curve on kids though. I’ll have to ask her to work on that.. heh heh!
Myself, I’m from a family of late breeders, on mom’s side, I’m the third generation in a row to have first kids between 35 and 40. My brother’s 41, and his first is now 6 months old.
I am four years two months older than Mrs L. SO far, so good! We have freinds who are 17 years apart (he is my age) and have 9 children. I guess that blows the theory! Another couple we know has the wife 11 years older than the man (she was ~35 when they married, and it is the first for both). No children, but they are quite happy.
Reg, you’re a girl?
I had no idea.
There was 20 years difference between my mom and my step father. He adopted me when they got married. He was a wonderful man. He loved me, my mom and took care of both my mom and grandmother when their health was failing. He was sick with Cancer and still looked after the both of them until his degraded to the point he could no longer look after them.
I am 2 years older than my wife. I couldn’t date women much younger than me. They seemed too immature. Women older than me weren’t playful enough. Each women is different of course but my own personal tastes are a wife that is a couple years younger.
Fieder says the probable explanation behind the phenomenon is simple: Men want women younger than themselves because they are physically attractive, while women look for security and stability and, thus, gravitate toward older men.
This is a theory of why such couples come together, not of why they have more children. Their explanation has little to do with the phenomenon they identified. This is an explanation looking for a phenomenon.
A reason such couples have more children could be because the wife is married younger, and generally the couple would be more financially secure while she is more fertile. There is no mystery here.
My hubby is 6 yrs. older than I. We have 2 children.
We’re happy with each other, & “get” most of the same pop-culture references.
Like KI & her husband, we sometimes laugh at the fact that when he entered the Air Force, I was only 12. He was training to perhaps have to defend his country, & I was involved in the dramas of middle school girls.
Fieder says the probable explanation behind the phenomenon is simple: “Men want women younger than themselves because they are physically attractive,”
When I read JUNK like this, I just do a slow burn. I find it very shallow and immature and wonder why OLD men think a younger woman wants some aging old creep? But yes, many don’t seem to mind. But then if they’re in it just for the “security” and other such reasons, they’re about as immature as the old man.
My husband is 3 1/2 years older than me.
And Night Train if you had no idea that Reg was female, you haven’t read her comments very carefully.
I’m 19 months older than he is, which was a very minor difference by the time we met at ages 26/25.
We were talking about this just last night, because my husband shaved his beard off for the warm weather and everyone at work thinks he looks at least ten years younger - which would mean I would look quite a bit older than him. (He suggested I get my hair lightened to compensate - not that I’m worried about looking old.)
Our teenage son asked how much difference was too much, and we said it depended on age. At age 20, even a five year difference is significant, and we would strongly recommend against marrying someone ten years old (regardless of who is older, the man or the woman). My husband explained that this is because of the relative lack of life experience for the younger person. I said that by about age 40 (i.e. both are at least 40) I don’t think it matters that much anymore, though there are always the health considerations (since women on average live longer than men).
Regarding pop culture references, I rarely get them, even though I’ve lived through all the same ones as my husband, because growing up I was pretty much oblivious to it (a combination of my preference for books to people, and my parents’ lack of a social life).
VS - When I was much younger, before I met Lee, I was attracted to older men. As a serious person, I was attracted by their maturity.
I was a little weird, though. Remember the TV show Taxi? While other girls my age liked either Tony Danza or Jeff Conaway, the 2 young studs, I liked the Judd Hirsch character.
Though I still have a serious streak in me, I have learned to let my inner-silliness come out much more. Gets me some strange looks from hubby sometimes!
I was 20 when I married my husband. He turned 27 a couple of weeks after the marriage. He lost his hair when he was 19 and had his head shaved for the military. His hair never recovered. As a consequence he looked older than me. Many people thought I was his daughter. That happens once in awhile now too. It irks him no end. I have only a few gray hairs for the time being and my hair is dark, so it adds to the illusion. And make-up covers a lot. I told him, he could always try make-up!
I met my husband in language school when I was 19 and he was 25. We were both in the military. At that time, DH was living in the fast lane of the typical SF poster boy. He was tired of the wild life and was ready to settle down. He promised when I married him that I wouldn’t be bored, and so far there were times when I wished I were bored. We’ve had some rocky times, but in 27 years, I think we’re doing alright. Had I still been 19 and met him in his early twenties, I don’t think we would have happened. At that time he was running away from comitment and living large. He says one of the things that attracted him to me was the fact that I wasn’t impressed with his hat. (SF guys have groupies). We only had 2 children.
Karen - I think the maturity factor is a legitimate reason - “good looks” and “security” (as in more money???) are not.
I never dated guys my age in high school - they seemed like such infants.
And if my husband suggested I lighten my hair in order to “look” younger, that would offend me as well. (Although I do color my hair, I do so because it’s MY choice.)
KI, my husband and I have a similar problem. He is frequently mistaken for being 15 to 20 years my senior when he’s actually only 15 months older than me! It probably doesn’t help his case, though, that one of his favorite t-shirts says “1994 30 & Over Baseball League”! (He was 8 in 1994).
10-
Night Train–
You’re a boy, right?
I resisted posting namely b/c it seems like a “girls club” ;)– but just to weigh in — I’m two years younger than my wife (in fact I’m only a month older than her sister) — however, many of my wife’s friends felt that I was a good influence on her, prompting her to become a bit more ‘respectable’ (or something like that)… (for some reason introverted people get labeled as respectable while extroverted people aren’t…) Anyways, we have 1 daughter (22 mo) and a 2nd daughter on the way.
I think I broke that rule. I’m 6-1/2 years younger than my wife. She’s still hot. We were married I was 22. I was both more mature than some, and less mature than I thought I was at the time… And I’m the one falling apart.
Oh. And we had two children, and are nearly “empty nesters”.
I only married an older woman cause no one else would have me.
Just kidding! My wife’s great but she is nearly 4 years older than me and as yet we have no kids (her call) so one wonders if there is something to this.
Let’s see…
My mom is 1 month older than my dad. They had 5 kids.
My oldest sister married someone 9 years older. They have 4 kids.
My other sister married a man 18 years older. No kids.
I have at least 3 friends that have married men 6 years younger than they are. They have 3 to 4 kids each.
My nieces and nephew have all married people about the same age as themselves. We don’t really know yet how many kids they will have. So far they have 3, 2.5 and none.
I don’t really see a pattern here.
I am almost exactly a year older than my husband. Both November birthdays, 6 days apart. We are the same age for 6 days every year. He reminds me that I’m older all the time - when it’s to his advantage, anyway!
Oh - we have 2 kids. Hubby says no more. We’ll see…
The average age difference is around 4 years (isn’t it?).
My husband is 19 years older than me. Sure, there are cultural differences, but that is true of people my own age from other regions of the country. What I’ve found, bottom line honest, is that he treats me better than the spouses of most people my age that I know. He did the single parent thing for a while, and by the time we got together we both were so appreciative of the good thing we had that we didn’t think about the age difference. I tell people in a similar situation that older men know how to treat a woman - they’re not afraid of being chivalrous, not having been raised with the feminist movement, and there is just a level of consideration that comes with maturity and with having been alone.
Having said that, I wouldn’t say that is true of all older men, and I know of younger men who are kind and gentle. But that’s what’s worked for us 13 years and counting!
I am 5 years younger than my wife. I really don’t see the big deal as far as age goes between a man and his wife. To me what is most important is that a man obey God’s commands that he is to love his wife in the same way that Christ loved the church and be willing to sacrifice his life for hers
It seems the age factor usually relates to the fact that younger people tend to not want children (yet).
Most men these days don’t seem to want the responsibility of having more than 1 or at most 2 children. Actually, most women are thinking like this, too.
Maybe the people who have large families these days are only the ones who believe marriage encompasses not only recreational intimacy, but is procreational as well, regardless of age.
For whatever it’s worth, my husband and I are only a few months apart. We look forward to having as many children (soon to be 7) God blesses us with.
My father was 7 years older. They had 5 children.
My father-in-law is 4 years older than his wife and they had 2 children and promptly got broken.
NT-
You haven’t read many of my posts or you know my gender…
Hm, so to marry a girl 5 years younger than me I either marry a 17-year-old or wait (probably at least four more years). What do I do until then??
JohnV: Ps 86:11-12 The Lord gave me these verses [esp. the second half of v 11] after my girlfriend and I broke up at university.
Theselittleones -
My husband & I only have 2 children, but not because we didn’t want the responsibility of more. At the time we were starting & having our family, 2 or 3 children was the norm that we saw around us.
It’s only in the past several years that I’ve been aware of a growing trend for Christian couples to have large families. If we had to do it again, we’d probably have had more.
But I also have to say that I never felt convicted about having only 2. We kept our hearts open to God’s guiding, so maybe in our case, His will was for 2.
Thank you sharing, Karen.
I was just thinking about how so much changes in a generation or two. Why did women start bottle-feeding? Even the ones who didn’t work outside the home? Why did birth control automatically become a package deal in a marriage? Why weren’t the same patterns being passed down from their parents? Cultural norms have a way of shaping the next generation in a way that parental influences seem to not be able to, unless a deliberate effort is made, I think.
I am 10 years older than my wife, and all three of our children are from earlier marriages. She says she was attracted to me because I’m a Christian “and you’re kind of cute too.” She says most of the guys her age that she dated before me were not interested in spiritual things.
That is so cool you guys are able to get married. There are many American citizens who are honest and patriotic, but for some reason, not good enough to marry the person they love.