Got your attention, huh? Well, all 7,100 U.S. locations will shut down today between 5:30 and 8:30 p.m. for barista re-education. CEO Howard Schultz hopes the three-hour training session will generate enthusiasm among the chain’s 135,000 U.S. employees and help them make better tall, double-shot, half-caf, soy, no-foam, no-whip lattes. Meanwhile, Dunkin’ Donuts plans to be there for the coffee-deprived this evening, offering small lattes, cappuccinos, and other espresso drinks for 99 cents from 1 to 10 p.m.

I don’t mean to linger on Starbucks, I really don’t.  But the company - from opening two stores on opposite sides of the street, to its prominence in films - really is a weird metaphor for American culture.  It’s a corporate monster that we corporately loathe and worship.  It represents the best, and the worst, in America.  You’ve already read here recently about the incipient $1 bottomless cup (that may be coming to a Starbucks near you) and the relative merits of the Waffle House.  Starbucks is getting a lot of attention these days, and not necessarily the kind it likes.  Take this story, which starts off all too familiarly, but with a whole new end:

When a Starbucks moved in next door, the coffee fanatics who run the Broadway Cafe [in St. Louis] trembled. Sure, they roasted their own beans and served up handmade espresso drinks to a loyal clientele. But would it be enough to fight off a corporate behemoth?  That was nearly 10 years ago, and now the results are in: the Starbucks is about to shut down.

This is less the triumph of a small, authentic (read: puritan) coffee house versus the giant, hydra-headed beast of Starbucks and more about the triumph of the free market.

I am forced, in a metaphorical sense, to go to Starbucks every morning for two hours before work. This is when I write stories and things. I have to go to Starbucks because they open earliest of all the coffee shops besides the Waffle House, and Waffle House coffee cups usually come with dried grits in the bottom, so I go to Starbucks. I pay $2.09 for a large coffee, which remains a ridiculous price for a cup of drip coffee. I order it at 6am, drink it by 8am, and go home to change clothes for my day job. This comes to roughly $60/month for coffee, which is a lot in my tiny writer’s budget. But all things considered, I need a place to write (I live in a tiny house with two and a half other people) and something to drink while I’m writing. And so, I was delighted to hear that Starbucks is floating a new idea:

Facing a slumping economy that threatens to cut into its customers’ coffee budgets and increased competition from McDonald’s and Dunkin Donuts, Starbucks is test marketing a bottomless eight-ounce cup of joe priced at just $1.

I might feel a little sheepish about standing in line three times (for refills), but the $1 price may just be worth it.

Who knew that women wait longer for their coffee than men do?  This article seems to know why, but I’m not convinced.  DISCLOSURE: I think any coffee order that’s longer than three (really two) words is a very, very bad thing.  Anyone who orders something with more than three or four words deserves to sit in a waiting room until they’ve paid penance for being out of control.